14 years ago the hospital was sending me home with a brand new baby girl. At the time I couldn't believe they were trusting me with a brand new human being, seeing as how I was only barely 21 myself. In those days I looked ahead, and knowing I had at least 18 years with this child at home seemed daunting and stressful. Looking back now, the years seemed like just a blip of time. Everyone warned me how fast time would go, and they advised me to "enjoy the time while it lasts." I would just roll my eyes and nod. But now I know they were right. You can't truly understand until you experience motherhood yourself.
As time went on and we added two more children, things only got more and more hectic. Some days I was just on survival mode. Actually, most days I was. I would count down the hours until Arnold got home from work every afternoon, especially on the nights I would go to a "moms night out" with my friends from a local moms group. Every part of me was exhausted. But I would go back to those times in a heartbeat if I could. I've come to the realization that in the early years of parenting you are physically tired, and in the later years you are emotionally tired. I would trade diapers and bottles over bullies and exams any day. I used to take care of all of their needs. Got to dress them in cute clothes, plan who they spent time with, and read them stories before bed. As time went on, they started becoming more independent, which is a little hard for a somewhat of a control freak.
I know I have to let them grow and make their own choices, but it is hard. I want them to be around friends who are good influences on them. I want them to care about their grades and their futures. I want them to be all-around good people and kind to others. For the longest time I struggled with making them extensions of myself. If one of them failed at something, I felt like I had failed. But the truth is, our children are their own entities, and God made them to have their own unique personalities and strengths. I don't need them to like everything I do, or excel in things I want them to. If everyone was the same, life would not be very interesting.
Having kids that are totally different than you can actually be an advantage. Brooke in particular is so NOT like me! She is social and outgoing, never met a stranger. She is a risk taker and will try just about anything once. She has taught me that life is too short to waste your time worrying and being afraid. Rachel is funny, unique and marches to the beat of her own drummer. She likes what she likes and doesn't care what other people think. She reminds me to stay true to yourself. Caleb is actually the most like me of all the kids. He truly cares about people and animals, likes to help others, and is a sensitive soul. He reminds me to always think of others first. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but it helps to get it out.
I have had a hard time lately and been really emotional about the kids growing up. This past year we had to say goodbye to the elementary school all our kids attended. We'll never go to another book fair, school festival, or apple orchard field trip. Now we are dealing with college-prep classes, band concerts, and soon-to-be drivers ed. What will I do when I have to hand the keys to Brooke and watch her drive away? I don't even want to think about it! I actually have been mourning so many things that WERE, but I guess I need to remember that there are so many things TO COME. I look forward to seeing how Caleb handles high school. He decided to try JRROTC and I am so proud of him! I look forward to going to concerts and watching the girls play their trumpets. I look forward to watching Brooke try out for the cheer squad (which is actually coming up really soon!) I look forward to seeing who our kids become.
There are already so many neat things I never thought about. Like how I have a buddy to go with whenever I want to get nails done or go shopping. How the kids and I can communicate throughout the day with texts and memes. How we sit around the dinner table at night and discuss current events and the kids can actually contribute to the conversation. It's crazy watching them become young adults. I feel like I just recently became a "real" adult myself. In a way, I grew up right alongside the kids. I am starting to see so many things my mom talked about, and YES she was right... I admit it! I obsess often about the kids' choices and decisions. I try to be open and share my life experiences with them so hopefully they wont make the same mistakes I did, but at the same time, I don't want them hearing about mistakes I made and thinking less of me.
I see now why my parents were so hard on me, they just wanted me to be happy and successful. Looking back, theres plenty of things I wish I could change, but also I realize that everything that happened along the way made me who I am today. I can only hope that I'm doing a good enough job as a mom that my kids will feel like they can always come to me with anything, and I will always be there for them. People joke all the time about parents screwing their kids up. I really hope we don't screw ours up! Some days it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Where do you draw the line on things? Do you get more strict or pick your battles?
Thank goodness I have a great support system. A husband that is just as committed to these kids as I am. Friends who have my back and are always there to listen when I need to vent. A mom and dad who still give me advice when I'm lost and feel like a little girl all over again. And of course, the most important one is God. I know God trusted me with these kids and I may not be strong enough on my own to handle it all, but with him I can! I read in a book recently that you cannot control your kids. All you can do is raise them with good values, set a good example, lead them to God, and then turn them over to him. They are actually HIS, and are just our's to take care of for a short time. It's hard to remember that on tough days. But God is ultimately the one who will protect, guide, and support them throughout their lives, and we just have to make sure we are leading them to Him.
No mom is perfect. I promise even the ones who look like they have it all together on instragram, don't. All moms have days where they yelled one too many times, ordered pizza for dinner, or didn't even get out of their pajamas. Just showing up is one of the greatest things you can do for your kids. They will look back and remember the times you talked to them and comforted them, not that pair of shoes you bought them or that amazing dinner you cooked them. I love the quote "Just the fact that you worry about being a good mom means you are one." Instead of being hard on each other and judging each other, lets be more supportive and helpful. In the mean time, I'll be over her crying in the corner about my youngest turning 12 in 2 months. (haha.)
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