Faults & Insecurities

I've been trying to get a grip on some things that bother me lately, or worry me. That prompted this blog.. Like i said before, writing is very therapuetic to me, so this is really just for me. But if anyone is reading.. feel free to let me know if you feel the same way about any of these things, or what YOUR's are.
*PS- these for sure arent ALL my faults and insecurities of course, but who wants to read a book?* ;)

FAULTS

1. I am impatient. So.so.so impatient. You have no idea. The tiniest things irk me, like waiting in line at a checkout counter, a long stoplight, or something similar. I am the girl who went out and bought the expensive pregnancy tests that check 5 days BEFORE your MISSED period, because I wanted to know at the earliest precise moment if I was baking a bun in the oven (thankfully I had enough HCG hormone and they showed up positive!!) PS- Why do you think my kids are so close together in age?? Yep, because I couldn't just sit back and enjoy them growing up alittle before the next one was on the way! Arnold goes to a think w/ his dad every year called "Christmas Jam" that is a whole night of different bands playing. They are there for like, 10 hours straight, or something crazy like that. They sit outside for hrs before to get a good seat. He asked me a few times if I wanted to go. Does he not know me at all?!

2. I am a bad cook. I know, you all know this by now. But im not joking. I have messed up EASY Mac before. I burn everything. And I don't know simple things that Im sure everyone knows about even somewhat basic cooking. As a result we eat a lot of simple meals. Or take out. Or Arnold cooks (he doesnt mind, and I clean up!) I know alot of moms would flame me for that, but I figure there could be worse things in life. I am doing somewhat better lately.. starting to read recipes and maybe attempt some simple dinners. My kids DO eat fruits and veggies though, its not like I just serve them a plateful of cheetos and cookies :)

3. I am over-the-top absolutely ridiculously SENSITIVE (aka wimp??)-- My dad and brother took this to their advantage all the time when I was younger, and always picked on me. Every little joke was a "blow" to me and was hard to get over. Didnt get much better as I got older. I analyze what people say, to try to figure out if it was meant in a negative or hurtful way. I cry like a baby over certain tv shows or songs that really get to me. When people dont rsvp to things I invite them to, I wonder if they are mad at me or dont want to go because they dont really like me. Insecure much? Oh yeah. Ill admit Im a little neurotic when it comes to what people think about me. And I shouldnt be like that! I know ultimately it matters what GOD and my family think of me, and what I think of myself. I am working on it, but its still a daily struggle.

4. I BITE MY NAILS-- Yes, I know its gross. Yes, I know im getting germs in my mouth. It was a childhood habit I picked up.. and to this day I haven't been able to stop. Somedays I bit them so much that they would hurt, or bleed. Most of the time I dont even realize Im doing it.. my mind is off somewhere else altogether. It happens mostly when I am bored or stressed. So as a result.. my nails are really, really short, and sloppy. I have gotten my nails done at a salon a few times and were amazed at how good they COULD look.. but then again, they were fake. I have never seen my NATURAL nails long.. ever.

5. Im a SLACKER ABOUT READING THE BIBLE-- We have several bibles in our house. Probably couldn't even count them all right now. But do I read them like I should? No. I have always considered myself a Christian but just here recently have I truly began feeling like i want to change, and put forth the effort to do good in my life. I find the time to read several other books, so why not the Bible? I dont even think of it half the time, and I know thats not good. I do crave to know everything I can learn about God and what my purpose is in life.. and what better handbook than the Bible? When i have Christian-related questions there is a website I turn to. I really have learned alot. But I figure time spent with my Bible would benefit me more. So hold me to it-- I need to start reading it more!!

6. CURSING- Oh yeah, another nasty habit of mine. Which i have tried and tried to stop (especially after having kids) But i still slip out those nasty 4-letter words way too easily. When i get frustrated. When i stub my toe. When i get nervous. You name it. And something Im not proud of at all-- 2 of my 3 kids have been caught saying either the D-word, S-word, or even F-word a time or two. Please dont be too harsh! I really am working on this. Arnold and i BOTH are. As a matter of fact, I gave "nasty language" up for Lent this year. Is that even something you can give up? Anyway.. I am having to ask God for help a lot on that one.. because about 10 minutes after I made that decision I slipped my first word. I am a work in progress!



INSECURITIES

1. BEING A MOM IM GENERAL-- Let's face it, Im a young mom. I had 3 kids by the age of: just shy of 24. And as fast as I was popping them out, I know some people probably talked. Ill admit, we didn't mean for them to be so close together, but it happend, and its what we are dealing with now. I find I like a lot about it.. like they are so close, and entertain each other, and they will all be out of diapers soon (yay!) But in many other ways I just flat-out worry. I worry if I am doing enough for them. Teaching them enough, getting enough healthy foods in them every day, keeping them healthy, getting them enough social interaction.. the list could go on and on! But to be fair, most moms probably feel like that. I worry that we had them too young and since we are not as finacially fit as we would like to be at this point in life, will we be able to give them alot? My kids have everything they need, and they get a lot of "fun" things too. But sometimes I wonder if we will take a vacation soon... hopefully we will, I need to start a fund for that. We have only been on one since we had the kids. I want them to be able to experience so much in life! I know love is the most important thing though, and they have plenty of that!


2. STOMACH/BODY AFTER BABIES- Wow! They weren't kidding when they said your body changed after having kids. I watched my stomach expand, and expand, and was amazed it could do that. And I thought foolishly that afterwards, it would go back down pretty easily. Yeah right. Oh it went back down, but along with that came loose skin. And lets not forget the stretch marks! My stomach looks like a road map! I am now a lot curvier than I used to be too.. which can be good or bad, depending on how im feeling about myself that day! Sometimes I wonder how my husband could be attracted to me. I feel down somedays, and not very pretty at all. Ideally Id love to lose 40-50 lbs. Having the kids so close together and me ALWAYS being pregnant it seemed like.. just really changed my body image.

3. MY "DITZY" VOICE- I am a shy person. Especially when Im talking to people I dont know very well. I get really nervous sometimes and I either speed up my talking, or get jumbled up with my words. I can come off very "ditzy" as I have been told by a friend or two. And i hate that! I don't want to sound stupid when talking to someone. Especially when I am just meeting them and they are using that time to form an opinion of me. I also have a tendancy to get very over-excited about things, and have a lot of fun when Im with friends.. another time I can come across very ditzy. I promise-- I am smart (or in my opinion) Sure, I have a horrible sense of direction, and don't "get" some jokes the first time.. but I have book smarts! I did wonderful in school. I was in advanced classes. I grauated an NC-scholar. My SAT scored were 1100 (which were decent at that time I guess) I read all the time.. for fun! And incorrect grammar bugs me to no end! (even though I dont use it alot on here or FB- so sue me!) And I didnt just say all that to "brag".. I said it to plead with you to give me a chance.. and If you ever think Im just over-the-top or acting really ditzy.. remember, Im probably just nervous ;)

4. MESS UPS IN THE PAST- I did a LOT of stupid things in my past.. (who didnt right?) Now that I look back on some of those things I feel so embarassed, and wondered how I could have done something like that. Like dating the same guy all throughout highschool, and never giving anyone else a chance. Crying over what I thought was "love" but definately wasnt. Stupid fights with friends. Getting engaged when I was 18 (and not to Arnold! thank goodness I came to my senses!) Going to WCU my freshman year of college and totally letting loose and partying, and have nothing to show for that year of college.. nothing. Well except for a son, who was conceived due to a night of wreckless abandonment of drinking too much with "cute" college guys. And the one who I thought cared about me RAN away when I found out I was pregnant. But you know what? I dont really regret any of it. I think everything in life teaches you something and can ultimately make you a better person.