Thoughts About Tomorrow...

So how do I feel about tomorrow you may ask? A mix of lots of things, really. Worrisome, anxious, curious, empowered, ready to feel relief, stomach all "twisty." I am just one of those people who does not handle things well, I wish I could. I used to be a lot better, before the PTSD and starting to take anxiety pills. I just feel like I live my life on a constant "edge of my seat" type deal, and I wish It wasnt like that. Day after day, things get better with time. But that event in 2009 just really scarred me, and I know Im still healing. So to be back on an operating table again tomorrow... of course I have worries and doubts, but I cant let it from stoping me get the help I need.. I have been in pain since last Nov, and lately really sick from these gallbladder attacks, so I am ready to get some relief and hopefully be able to be there even more for my family.

Got a call today from the pastor at my old church, he is actually the one who married Arnold and I. He told me he hoped everything went well and he was praying for me. He said he wouldnt be able to visit (which I wasnt expecting him to, but it was nice of him to say) And that another lady of the church (who I have always been close to actually) is coming to visit me in the morning. I also have had several friends offer to bring us meals this coming weekend, and Mom is making me dinner the first night Im home, and of course watching the kids for us. I am so thankful for awesome family and friends. Seriously.. I could not get through half the stuff I do in life without you guys. I feel so blessed! And thank you for all the prayers and kind words lately, from all of you. :)

So I headed to the Surgical Office this afternoon to sign the consent forms (you know the "we are going to hack into you and you might die, just to let you know forms) LOL! Just picking. I still have a sense of humor ;) And then I had to hurry over to the hospital to my pre-op appt. Did i mention I left the house on a empty tank?! I didnt know I was that low.. but.. I was, and I was in a hurry so I was driving all over the place watching it get lower and lower.. I set the marker and I think I drove 12 miles on "empty" before I finally pulled over and got some gas.. just a little to get me by so I could get to the hospital! Then I got there and drove around confused, I could not for the life of me remember which door to go in.. I had been there for my pre-op with Rachel, but that was 2 yrs ago. So i finally get up to the desk (almost 10 mins late I might add!) and tell the Lady IM SO SORRY PLEASE TELL ME WHERE TO GO!! And she said that I was in the right place, so thank goodness for that! (Yes I get stressed when I am late.. I have always been that way. You may notice that Im one to show up really early to playdates and parties, etc.. just because I hate being late to things!!)

But anyway, the Pre-op appt went well, the nurse was really nice. I had to fill out some paperwork and go over medical history and all that. She weighed me and got my height. I happened to notice her stats on my paper and thought that it wasnt right.. and I asked her to check and she had put down my height as 5'5!! Well, hello, I am 5'10! So.. under my BMI I was under the (very obese) category, and hey, I do have a lot of pounds to lose, believe me, but I didnt think I was there yet ;) So she changed things on the form and.. proof that a few inches makes a difference (THATS WHAT SHE SAID!!!-- Couldnt resist-- "Office" fans will understand ;) Anyway, she gave me a special soap I am supposed to wash with tonight and tomorrow morning, that makes my skin more "sterile". So i guess I will be bathing twice then! She said nothing after midnight to eat or drink, but she would allow me to take my anxiety meds in the morning.. As i pointed out to her.. I would NOT do well without them.. and then they would have to deal with me ;) Oh and I made the mistake of flipping through the catalog which describes in detailed pictures exactly what they are doing to me during the surgery.. could have done without that! Most medical stuff just flat-out grosses me out.

So tonight Mom and Dad are taking all 3 kids overnight, because we have to get up to go to the hospital really early, and be there by 6am. Because they have to start IVs of fluids, meds and stuff before the actual surgery. And the surgery is at 730 am. If everything goes well afterwards in recovery Arnold gets to take me home later that day. So I should be out of actual surgery around 8:30 or 9am. Not too bad. I will be asleep during it, so I wont even know what is going on, which is a good thing. Never been put to sleep before, so I hope everything goes well with that, but Im sure it will.

Tonight Arnold said since we'd be without kids hed help take my mind off things and take me on a date! We can go to dinner, maybe to the movies, who knows.. As Lauryn put it "go have my last meal" haha! I am excited to spend some alone time with him. Its sad that to get a date night I have to be put under the knife.. but whatever works! (again-- kidding!!! ;)

Thanks again for everyones prayers and support! And I am FULLY aware that this is a very common surgery and people go through it every single day and are just fine. And im about 90% sure Ill be fine too. Bloodclots and anxiety are the only things that really worry me, and I have a good dr who I know will try his best to keep me safe :) :)

My Dr! You have a visual aid! haha. Dr Parish, and he is very kind. He actually recently won a medical award, so you know he knows his stuff ;) He said "Dont worry, we wont let what happend last time happen again to you." :) :) I feel really comfortable with him.

3rd time going through a surgery and I actually never would have thought Id have so many surgeries by this young of an age.. and Dont look forward to it, but I know every time can be different.. so think positively!

So this is what Im doing! Or trying to do! haha :)



And of course, since I am a Christian, I believe 100% that God will be there for me every step of the way. He has gotten me through so much these past 2 years and I know he wont let me fall. I wish I could be MORE confident actually, because I know I have my faith, but I am still learning to be brave and push through things.