Since I wrote last, I have learned more about my biological father. And I THINK I actually have decided that I'm open to talk to him. I found a cousin of his on facebook, whom he is apparently very close to, and talks to on the phone regularly. They also get together and hang out sometimes. I knew she would be full of information so I started messaging her. She told me a lot I didn't already know. So, the facts are as follows. My biological father is named Boe (actually a nickname since he is a JR in his family.) He is 65 now and lives in Florida. He had 4 other children, which I don't know much about, except that 3 of them are boys and 1 girl. One of the sons has already passed away, sadly. Boe was a painter by trade and worked with his step father a lot. He plays guitar and used to be part of a band. YOU GUYS. He sounds exactly like my husband! I joked with Arnold about it, and he said maybe one day they would meet and jam together. Slow down sir, we will see. Anyway, I also found out that he has diabetes. He is currently managing it but he has a huge sweet tooth so he has to be careful. That part sounds just like me. I am such a huge lover of chocolate is isn't even funny. Boe also loves watching horror movies, which is a way we are NOT alike... because I absolutely hate all things scary and gross. He is tall, over 6ft (not a surprise!) and has brown hair and brown eyes (like me.) Well actually his cousin said he has turned grey... but whatever :) She also has seen pictures of me, and swears we have the same nose. I was surprised because from what I have seen in pictures, I am practically Donna's twin. It was so very strange hearing these things about him, it made him seem more real. I also learned a little more about his past arrest record. Im not 100 percent sure what to believe, but it doesn't seem as bad as I had imagined.
Boe's cousin asked my permission to tell him all these things, and I said that was fine. So recently she called him and gave him an update on me and a lot of things I had told her about myself. He told her that he would very much like to talk to me. She gave me his phone number, and I have it just sitting there, but I have to persuade myself to be brave enough to use it. I told her that, and she understands. They know this is a huge thing, and I need time to process things. I want to call, but I have no idea of even what to say. What do you say to someone you're connected to on some level, yet have never met? I am a shy person, and it's awkward enough for me to talk on the phone to someone I DO know! So this should be quite the experience.
While I'm writing I thought I'd update on Donna too, and her side of the family. Still have heard nothing from her, and I don't expect to anytime soon (if ever.) My bio brother Jamie is still my facebook friend, and we still talk on occasion. As a matter of fact, my own husband and mother have become friends with him on facebook too. Jamie travels for work, he has been all over the country. He was near Louisina recently when the big hurricane was coming through, any my mom posted to him that she hoped he would stay safe! And after that she asked me about 10 times if I had heard from him and if he was ok. I thought that was the sweetest thing. Even though I'm sure all of this has been a bit tough for her, she has supported me the whole time, and she cares about the things that I care about, which include this new family. It is strange to feel a connection to people you just met, and its hard to explain. But I already feel a sense of big sister protection for Jamie, and of course I feel that longing to know Donna.
Back to the subject of Donna-- I go back and forth with my emotions all the time. I sometimes feel sad, sometimes feel content, and sometimes I feel downright angry. I don't understand how someone who gave birth to you, and made the plan for you to grow up in a family that could take care of you.. and that searched for years for her, wouldn't want to at least talk. I understand that she is a private and introverted person. Boy, do I know what that is like. But with something this huge and life-changing, I thought she might break out of her shell a little. Sometimes I'll see her comment on one of Jamie's facebook posts, and I will actually tear up and think why won't she talk to me? She is right there, within reach, and yet she's unobtainable. I like to listen to music that fits my moods sometimes, and I feel like for awhile there I had Alanis Morisette's "Uninvited" on repeat. That's a good word for how I feel sometime-- uninvited. Donna has a whole life and family, and I understand that. I disrupted her life in some way earlier this year, and people who didn't even know I exist have had to come to terms with it. I know it is awkward, and confusing, and downright messy. I have prayed and prayed that God would change her mind. And honestly, for awhile, I gave up on praying because of the way Jamie talked. I know everything happens for a reason, and you have to wait on God's timing. It is easier said than done, though. Especially with my heightened curiousity lately. But Jamie did tell me one bit of great news recently. He said Donna has a notebook she likes to write things down in (sounds familar :) And he said she had written down the date I first found them, starred it, and wrote "Abby found me." When Jamie told me that I cried actual happy tears. This whole time I haven't felt much on her end, but to at least have confirmation that me finding her made some impact on her life was such a relief to me. I'm glad I didn't do like they often do on movies and tv shows, where a long-lost relative shows up dramatically on someone's doorstep and says "I am your child!" Boy i'd be scared to see how she would have reacted to that, I probably would have scared her forever. Right now, my wish would be to talk to her at least, and maybe one day to actually see her in person. I would love to hug her, thank her for giving me life and a good future, and take a picture with her. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I can't help it. I have read so many stories online urging adoptees not to get their hopes up, because a lot of time reunions fail or severely disappoint. I never imagined that would happen to me, and I went into this whole thing so optimistic. I don't know what the future holds, but I will be continuing to pray for God to help this whole situation, and to help me sort through my emotions.
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