Thursday, August 4, 2011

What's Been Going on with Me

Well Im back!!!! I know.. I havent blogged in a long time (for me). I have been going through some stuff. Its been pretty rough. For a few weeks I just havent felt like writing much, and there for awhile, not like doing much of anything. Some of you may thing im strange, or share too much, and if you do, thats cool. Everyone has an opinion. But writing is very theraputic to me, so Im going to keep on doing it. You can form whatever of opinion you want about me. I dont mind sharing about my life. I try to keep it PG and not TMI if you know what I mean. For all I know something I write about someone might be able to relate to, or might be able to offer advice to me, or what I write might even HELP someone. So there is a positive side to it many times. So read on... if you want to.. or not. This is about the rough time Ive had lately...

So.. most of you know ive suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for the past 2 years or so. It came on from my hospital stay back in 2009 after Rachel. (well the panic attacks did- I have always been somewhat anxious, just never thought much about it earlier in life!) Anyway, ive been on this medicine called Ativan, which is supposed to be short-term, but I ended up using it for nearly 2 years! So i decided since I was doing so well.. I started weaning off of it (VERY slowly, i might add) And everything was going ok. But i noticed in the past couple of months I was feeling anxious again, especially in the afternoons when my doseage was lowest. Then around the week before my birthday in July I started feeling really anxious again, and very down and somewhat depressed. So I decided to start some therapy, which ive done in the past. I found an awesome place in the area, thats a Christian Counseling Center, and I go to a woman who I seem to love so far. Tonight is actually my 3rd session. I will keep going until I think I have made a lot of progress and can handle this on my own. Our insurance considers them specialist, so its only $40 a session, compared to the actual $150 or whatever they really make an hr, so not so bad. Anyway, I go on one night a week and just talk about anything and everything. She teaches me different techniques to help me work through anxiety and panic attacks, like diverting myself when I feel it coming on, like by doing multiplication tables in my head, or singing a song outloud.. just SOMETHING that gets my mind off things! My counseler said that most anxious people have been that way since they were young, and that is the case with me. She said there is an area of the brain that its like the "switch" for being on high-alert has come on for some reason, and so we go thru life as worriers, and big event trigger big reactions (hence how hard it was when i was hospitalized and when I had my recent surgery, etc) It helped to have someone actually EXPLAIN to me what was going on in my head, and realize im not CRAZY. A LOT of people go through stuff like this, they just dont admit it or like to talk about it. But they didnt know alot about mental illness back in the day, and now there is SO much more research on it, thankfully, and new things to help. She suggested that I try a long-term medication that would help me, and maybe some natural supplements to increase my mood, too. I had been wanting to avoid them at all costs, because I hate side effects, but i had been suffering so long that I was willing to give it a try.

Anyway, I talked to my general dr and he said he was going to try me on CELEXA, which is an antidepressant and helps with anxiety too. I started taking that and was ok for a day or two but then I started getting a LOT of side effects. Insomnia, hot flashes in my leg, sweating, easy bruising, and my anxiety actually got WORSE. I was so frustrated b/c id heard all these people say that it worked great for them, but it was making me feel lousy. So after a week on that, I went back in and he changed me over to Cymbalta. Im now currently on one week and one day of this, and its doing a LOT better than the first one. I still dont know if its the right one for me, its so much trial and error as youre figuring things out. But I am less emotional, and I not "on the edge" as much. I still have a little trouble sleeping. And sometimes i swear I feel kindof "high".. so im hoping these side effects will get less and less as i get used to it.. but we'll see. Its also an appetite suppressant. I am someone who LOVES food.. yeah ill admit it! And i havent even been thinking about it, i have to MAKE myself eat. I have lost 6lbs! without even trying! So i GUESS thats a GOOD side effect? haha. except for the fact that I am light headed on occasion..

Anyway.. so thats where Im at right now. Just going through a rough patch in my life, is all. If any of you were wondering there for awhile why I wasnt on Facebook as much, or reaching out and talking to my friends or doing much of anything, that is why. Didnt mean to upset anyone at all, so im sorry if I did!!! I am just taking it day by day now. Hope THIS is the med for me, because honestly i cant imagine trying to get used to yet ANOTHER one, but we will see. I know i have to be patient. Im thankful for such a supportive husband whos been there for me and helped me more with the kids than usual, because some nights ive honestly just wanted to go back to my bedroom and pass out, I was that exhausted, either mentally or physically (or both!) And thankful for good friends who have been willing to talk when I needed to. Thank you all!

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